Naked, muddy and vulnerable
So, I was standing completely naked with mud covering my body head to toe, while a woman stood in the room, watching.
How did I even get here?
In this crazy sense of the unknown, uncertainty, and fearful world we’re now living in, this is where I stood, vulnerably.
When I looked at my surroundings, I couldn’t help but laugh. Laugh at myself in all the madness and the chaos. The time that was supposed to be so relaxing and zen, but my mind was racing and anxiety had completely taken over.
I’d decided to take a weekend away from where I’d been, at the time it felt like that place was chaotic. A place where children were running wild and I had no room or place of my own, so I wanted to escape. That place turned out to be the sanctuary I didn’t know I wanted so badly.
When I got to the escape zone, I quickly realised I had no internet and at this very same time, my parents were messaging me with anxiety of their own about me coming home from my world trip early. I felt so mad. I felt so alienated. I felt anxious. And I felt frustrated. Why was this happening? Why has the world gone into complete meltdown, lock down, just down. I think the world as we know it has changed and I’m not ready to change with it.
I’m only 2 and half months into my trip when it was supposed to be a year. A year of growth. Growing internally, growing my business, growing my relationships and my global network. But instead, it feels like a year of going inside, of not growing with an external impact but rather truly going internal, nocturnal, inside. Maybe it’s time again to face myself, my mirror.
What would it look like if I went home right now? Sydney is the last place I want to be but India feels on edge, like people are waiting for something to happen. Anxiety breathes into the atmosphere like a ticking time bomb. People seem always ready for a fight. People seem to not want to help but to generate fear. Why am I here?
What if I never see my family again? What if borders and planes shut down eternally? What if, what if, what if? What if we go into a global recession that creates a world depression much like after WW1. What if?
I’ve always believed everything happens for a reason. What reason is the universe giving us?Maybe we have overrun the earth.
Maybe we have overrun the climate.
Maybe we have overrun animal populations.
Maybe we have overrun ourselves.
It’s time to reset. The whole world has stopped. But are we truly looking at ourselves? Will we go back to how it’s always been, knowing what has always been, is killing us?
What does a new world order look like? It feels so dystopian right now. Like a dark haze has penetrated through the ozone layer. Should we stare up at it? Or should we look away?
I stood naked, covered in mud, laughing at the ridiculousness of myself. I had come to a retreat. To do yoga, to get away, to relax. But all I could do was feel fear, anxiety and a punctured experience that I’d try to make light but instead I felt dark and distant. I was supposed to be having a spa treatment that was calming and detoxifying. But instead, I felt toxic and watched and vulnerable and completely unrelaxed. My body pretended to show enjoyment and relaxation but my mind was whizzing from Australia to India and back again. Home. Family. Love. Connection.
How did I even get here? How did we get here?