Finding my sense of belonging
Today was not a good day.
Today I felt a sense of overwhelm and like I wanted to burst out crying constantly. In fact, even now, I just want to burst out crying.
I’m living with my most dearest and closest friend who is truly a sister to me. But today, was not fun for me.
Her family has arrived and are staying for a week. So I’ve moved out of my room and we are all sharing the one bathroom. India has the most sharing culture in the world and so I feel like an asshole that I don’t really want to share. I’m okay with sharing in moderation but I realise that I really like to have my own space and my own things and no one else touching, or using or drinking from my things.
I can see how privileged this all is. I come from an incredibly privileged background where I’ve always be given and had most of the things that I’ve wanted. I’ve also worked damn hard to have the things and the lifestyle that I want too.
I also realised today how full on children are. Spending time with a 9, 6 and 2 year old is incredibly challenging. The 9 year old seems to be the easiest age and can entertain herself for long periods of time. The 6 year old needs a lot of attention, as you’d expect. The 2 year old is so adorable but she hates me in her space and has been rejecting me on and off for the whole time I’ve been here. I’ve been pretending it’s not affecting me but it really is. And then I ask myself, why would a 2 year old do this? Is it because I’m rejecting myself and she’s feeling my energy? Why am I rejecting myself? What guilt and shame am I holding onto that’s causing this kind of overt rejection.
On the other hand, it could be nothing to do with me and just that she’s a tiny bit possessive and jealous of her mummy having a really close friend who takes some of the attention away from her.
Back to today. Having moved into the little ones room while the family is here (soon I’ll be moving to the couch) there is the hugest pile of washing hanging on two lines which I’m trapped behind, toys everywhere and constant in and out of humans into the space. So that’s full on…
I’ve also just come off the back of having the shits and being in bed all of Sunday FUN.
Then, after being rejected by the 2 year old, all day… we went to a friends place for dinner, I was sitting down and playing with the kids and the littlest one knocked me clean on the head with a bucket, like really hard. At this point, I was close to tears but managed to hold it back. I feel like, how can I be almost 30 years old and cry over a little knock to the head and rejection from a 2 year old… but here we are, ready to cry like a little baby.
THEN, the 6 year old, while we were calmly colouring in, literally pulled a pen apart and hit me in the eyeball and I just burst into tears. I had absolutely ZERO control at this point. I sat there in front of this poor child, crying like a baby and doing those big suck in breaths, you know the ones you just can’t control. My poor friend, I think she knew it was coming, she could see the overwhelm on my face earlier in the day and she kept apologising and asking if I was okay. I kept a brave face because I feel stupid, like how can I let this get to me. I’m almost 30 for gods sake.
And then, I was reflecting in the shower, a place where I often do this. And I realised that I’m feeling rejected and like I don’t belong. Even though I feel like part of the immediate family, I don’t feel part of the extended family. I have previously felt incredibly rejected by my friends mum, many years ago. I now see myself playing out that scenario again and again. I’m sure no one else feels this way and if her mum ever knew how hurt I felt at the time, I actually think she’d be devastated. I need to forgive her and forgive myself because that was over 8 years ago.
I also need to realise that ‘I belong,’ I belong anywhere that I want to be. I belong with my closest friend, in her home because we both want me to be here. I belong, being around her child, I belong being around her family and I will no longer continue to reject myself and put myself on the outside.
All of these factors leading up to this point were just part of the scenario that got me to see this pattern in myself. I continue to play out the same pattern over and over and this time, it took me a few weeks to figure it out. Last time, it took me about 7 months to realise I was creating this pattern were I kept saying and feeling like I didn’t belong. That was a workplace scenario. This is friendship and family scenario but in the end it’s all the same narrative playing out in different places in my life.
It is my choice to belong and it is my choice to feel part of the family or not.
I choose to feel part of the family because I truly love them all like my very own and they love me too.